Missing Moments: Abandon All Hope
by Gatergirl79
Summary: What happened during all those missing moments in 5x10 - What did Dean and Castiel do the night before heading into Carthage. Spoilers: Only if you haven't see 5x10:Abandon All Hope. SLASH
1. Prologue

Prologue

He sat on the end of the motel bed staring at the TV screen with wide glazed eyes. He still couldn't imagine what he was thinking watching this, but he couldn't seem to pull himself away. He tilted his head further as the two bodies moved against each other.

He'd been bored that was his excuse and had started flicking through the various channels, smiling when he'd caught Dr. Sexy MD only to be disappointed when it ended a few moments after he'd settled back to watch, when the end credits had begun to roll he'd begun flicking again.

He hated being stuck alone in the motel room. He'd become so used to having Sammy around but the boy was in research mode and that meant hour upon hour stuck in a library, and he was in no mood to watch Sammy get his kicks.

The only other person who'd become a constant presence in Dean life was off doing his own brand of research, hunting for the elusive Colt and the demon Becky had told them had it.

So here he was alone – very alone – in a motel room watching…. Well, something he had no intention of ever admitting to.

Though there was one advantage to solitude and that had been where he'd been heading when he'd stumbled onto this. It wasn't his usual 'Busty Asian Beauties', that what he'd planned to be watching right now, but instead he was staring at… two guys.

Dean didn't know what he was thinking sitting here watching two guys go at it. Curiosity maybe? He'd known what they did, even how they did it – to an extent – but this hadn't been exactly what he'd envisioned. Not that he'd envisioned it. If Dean had said it once he'd said it a thousand times. He didn't swing that way.

Except that ever since the incident last year, his mind had been…. Wondering, wondering into a world he really didn't want to go. That job had haunted him for months; things had been brought to the light. – In more ways than one. – Things Dean really hadn't ever wanted to see the light of day. Thankfully Sammy didn't know just what had happened with that creature, but Dean did. Dean remembered far more than he would ever confess.

And what made it worse was that it had placed something in his mind that should have never, ever been planted.

The movie captured his attention again and he shifted restlessly on the edge of the bed, he could feel the heat in his face. Something about this so-called plot was making him uneasy. Not that these kinds of things had much of a plot. – gay or straight – they followed the same routine, a ridiculous scenario in order to get the main characters laid and allow the viewer to get their rocks off.

The problem with this one was it felt like it was hitting a little too close to home though he could put his finger on why.

Good-looking bad boy type is being audited and tries to distract the equally good-looking tax accountant by seducing him.

Why the hell was he watching this? _Curiosity_. He was telling himself as he continued to watch despite his discomfort at the subject.

Dean was still telling himself that when the motel door flew open to announce the arrival of his brother, causing him to practically jumped out of his skin, hitting the control with like it hand tried to eat him and turned his head around so fast he may very well have given himself whiplash.

"Dude?" Sam frowned looking from his brother to the set and back again. "I thought we had an agreement…. _Lock_ the _damn_ door."

"What?" Dean tried to look innocent. "I was just watching…. The weather channel."

Sam put his weigh on his right leg and glared at him brother with a knowing stare that wasn't completely directed at his face. "Either they've started hiring naked weather-girl at the local station or you've suddenly got a weird fetish for balding over-weight men and meteorological phenomenon." Sam smirked with a raised brow.

"Shut it bitch." Dean snapped looking down, he was both shocked and embarrassed to see the state his body was in. – and just a little horrified, considering what he'd been watching.

Dean pulled the pillow from behind him and placed it in his lap. He couldn't meet his brothers' eyes, if Sam found out what had caused this reaction he'd never let Dean live it down… and it may very well put a dint in their still fragile relationship. Luckily his womanizing ways meant that Sammy would never consider that Dean would even be watching a gay porn flick, let alone be affected by it.

"Jerk…." Sam smirked. "…You heard from Cas?" Sam suddenly asked.

Dean jumped out of his skin for the second time in five minutes. "What?"

Sam looked around with another of his confused caveman frowns, where entire forehead seemed to drop forward. "Castiel… have you heard from him yet."

Dean turned back to the blank screen. "No."

"I would have thought he'd have found Crowley by now." Sam sighed falling onto the bed.

"Yeah well, he's not exactly running on a full tank anymore. It's going to take him a while." Dean grunted with irritation because he'd very suddenly realised just who that tax-accountant had reminded him of. Dean shifted on the bed, wishing that his mind hadn't decided to be a doush-bag and edit the angel into the role of the seduced accountant. He didn't need that in his head, not when his mind was capable of doing its own dirty work.

Suddenly Sam shot up from his seat causing Dean's to snap his head around again, wincing as a sharp pain shot through his neck.

"I'm going down to grab something at the dinner down the street, give you some time to sort yourself out." He said with a smirk.

He was gone before Dean could tell him there was no need, but even as the door slammed shut he was glad Sam had left, and was gladder still that Sammy had no idea just how much he needed to sort himself out.

Three hours later they were on their way to Bobby's when they got the phone call they'd been waiting for.

Dean pulled over the Impala and stared down at the mobile for what seemed like forever, his heart was pounding and he could swear he was blushing as Castiel's name flash on the caller ID.

"Is that Cas?" Sam asked eagerly.

_This was ridiculous_. "Yeah." Dean jumped out of the car and nervously answered the call, ignoring the pounding of his heart and the stare he felt in his back from Sam.

"Dean. - Got him. – The demon Crowley is making a deal…. Even as we speak it's…. Going - down."

Hearing the angels deep gravelly voice did something to Dean that he would never acknowledge and he reacted as he always did when faced with something he didn't want to face, he made jokes. "Going down? – right, Okay Huggy Bear… just don't lose him."

"I won't."

Dean hung up, trying to ignore the images that had barged into his mind at Cass words. - _Going down_. - He didn't have time for this shit, he had to focus on the job at hand because it was finally time for them to go and retrieve the Colt


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N - Thank you for the reviews of the prologue. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story :D**

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><p>Chapter One<p>

It had been three hours since they'd had what could only be described as an unconventional meeting with the king of the crossroad.

Crowley had been loud, forceful and far too helpful for Dean's liking but he'd given them the Colt without a word of complaint, saying that he wanted Lucifer dead as much as they did. The brothers had doubted him at first but his explanation had made sense. After all Lucifer was an angel, technically speaking, which meant that while he had the undying loyalty of the armies of hell, he hated them for what they were, corrupted human souls.

So they'd taken the Colt and the information as to where Lucifer was going to be and where now gathered at Bobby's awaiting morning.

The haggard group where celebrating a successful nights work. Dean sat at Bobby's desk opposite his brother going over the plan for the next morning's mission. It wasn't over estimating the danger to say it could very well be there last.

And taking that into consideration Dean leaned forward on the desk and appraised the sight before him. Jo Harvelle was bracing herself on the kitchen table talking to her mother and Castiel, her blue jeans tight in all the right places, her long blond hair hanging loosely around her shoulder. Dean couldn't keep his eyes away from her perfect figure. He hadn't considered putting the moves on Jo in a long while.

Back when they had first met, Dean hadn't been in the right frame of mind then and as time went on one thing or another kept them apart. But now with the threat of death looming and the never ending feeling of frustration he figured this may be his best change – maybe even his last.

He was listening to Sam drawl on about the mission, never taking his eyes of the petite blonde. Well that wasn't quite true. His gaze did wonder once but he'd forced it away from the dark head of hair that was throwing back shot after shot and tried to ignore the humming beneath his skin, the rushing through his veins that he couldn't name but was making it hard to concentrate.

He put it all down to stress and the lack of sex in his life. He was so frustrated, he told himself, that his mind was cling on to anything it could.

Since coming back from hell, sex had taken a back seat to the mayhem that that had become his life; with being a righteous man destine to save the world. Lucifer's rising. Zachariah's constant pestering him to say yes to Michael. And let's not forget dealing with Sam's _problem._ He hadn't really had the time for women.

The last time he'd gotten any was Anna and it had been…. Not great, it was a one off thing between two stressed out people and after? Well the stress had only increased because it hadn't been right. He'd felt it. While the sex was enjoyable something in him had felt like crap and it had nothing to do with the fact that she was really an angel. It had nothing to do with setting a trap to bring the angels and demons together and let them fight it out. It had nothing to do with the idea of Anna getting her grace back and leaving.

It had _nothing_ to do with the look in Castiel eyes when he'd watched Anna kiss him.

He hadn't seen Anna in months and if he was honest he really didn't want to. She was nice and all, but there was something about the angel that made him wary, deep down in his gut. As if remembering her true identity had flicked a switch. She wasn't the sweet innocent girl who happened to be tuned into angel radio, who was scared and alone, she was an angel, a soldier, Castiel's one-time superior, and something in Dean told him that that made her dangerous.

Sam turned to see what he was staring at and made a comment about bad ideas; Dean agreed but got up from his seat anyway. He needed to get rid of this constant stress. This constant humming. He needed sex and Jo was the only female in a fifty mile radius.

He knew she liked him so it wasn't going to be too hard, and as for the aftermath, well…. He might not even live through tomorrow and if he did, well they'd deal with that when the time came.

Dean made his way over to Jo as she reached into the fridge for another bottle, taking in the delicious curve of her rear in figure hugging jeans. She turned to face him with a sweet knowing smile which Dean returned before leaning against the kitchen counter.

"So dangerous mission tomorrow…." He murmured. "..guess it's time to eat, drink and you know…" he turned his hazel eyes on her. "… make merry."

Jo smiled and raised her perfectly shaped blonde brow. "Are you giving me the last-night-on-earth speech?"

"What?"

"What?" Jo echoed, smiling.

Dean swallowed his embarrassment. "No - No" he laughed. "…. If I was, would it work?" he asked with a shadow of a smile.

Jo places her beer on the counter beside her and leaned into Dean, her gaze soft and seductive. She raised her hand to cup his cheek.

He could feel his heart racing as he leant in for the kiss. Something in his gut tightening in a way he hadn't felt since Anna. It wasn't a comfortable feeling at all. In fact he hated it. It was like the feeling you got when ya knew you was doing something wrong. Though what was so wrong about to consenting adults spending their last night together he couldn't possible imagine. Dean pushed the feeling away and looked into Jo beautiful innocent face.

"No." she suddenly said smirking at him before leaning back to look at his face. "…Sweetheart, if this is our last night on earth then I'm going to spend it with a little something I call self-respect." Jo laughed lightly before walking away.

"If you're into that kind of thing." Dean murmured to her departing back, knocking back his beer while breathing a silent sigh of relief. He hadn't known it till just that moment but he and Jo were well and truly past the casual sex stage and had stepped right into the just good friends' zone.

His eyes looked around the untidy small kitchen and found a pair of bright blue ones watching him. He'd seen that look before and yet again it filled him with guilt.

The pair just stared at each other for a few moments, oblivious of those around them. Ellen was pouring another round of vodka as they tried to see just how much alcohol it took to get an angel drunk. Dean was sure it was going to be far more than a few shorts, though Cass eyes did seem a little more intense – He might even say human. - as they met his.

Dean ran his tongue over his lower lip before pressing them together. He couldn't remember his lips ever feeling as dry has they had done since his return from Hell, it seemed like he always had to wet them and that it only ever happened when Cas was around, well that was merely a coincidence.

They were still staring at each other when Bobby bellowed from the next room. "Everybody get in here!" and quick enough everyone piled in, taking up position in the corner as ordered. There was a light heartedness to the gathering that was quickly squished by Cas.

"Tomorrow we hunt the devil. This is out last night on earth."

Dean glanced at Cas as he stood at the other end of the group next to his brother. _Leave it to an angel to destroy the mood._ He thought. But he could hear a subtleness in Cass voice that told him he wasn't as calm as he seemed.

The camera flash went off, capturing the sudden seriousness of what that night meant. Their last night; how many of them would be going to their graves? How many of them would carry regrets with them? Dean wondered.

He looked at the surrogate family gathered around him, he couldn't think that Ellen, Bobby or Jo would have many regrets, and none that would haunt them tonight, his eyes turned to Sammy. His kid brother had one the size of Canada and he knew that whatever happened tomorrow Sammy would always blame himself.

Then his eyes fell on Cas and he wondered if his angelic friend knew what regret was and if so, did he feel it? Was he regretting in the light of what may await them choosing their side?

Dean swallowed hard as the group dispersed in silence. Cas followed Ellen back to the kitchen table and Dean watched him walk past, hoping that Castiel: Angel of the Lord didn't regret choosing Dean Winchester over heaven.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Dean was still contemplating regret two hours later but not just that but everything he'd been through in the past year and a half. He sat at Bobby's desk finishing off the last of a fresh bottle of whiskey in silence and feeling that there was no amount of drink that was going to ease the tension that was ripping though him. It had been building for months.

This morning's little indiscretion had been the closest he'd come to easing the tension and that brought up a whole new set of concerns and questions. Ones he hadn't touched on since the incident last year with the Siren.

Now in the silence with nothing to distract his mind that whole night played itself out in his head. From the moment he'd realised he'd been set upon by the Siren in the form of a friendly male FBI agent with great taste in music and cars to the moment he'd beaten the hell out of his kid brother. To the moment Bobby had told him and Sam it wasn't their fault the creature had gotten to them. But Bobby hadn't known just how much that thing had gotten into his head? At least he hoped he didn't. It was hard enough for him to deal with.

It had been a terrifying experience that night for more reasons than one. Dean had never told anyone what had happed before Sam had returned to the Hotel room. The things the Siren had said to him. The things he'd made him feel. The things he'd done.

A shiver rushed down his back and his stomach tightened.

The thing had told Sam that Dean had wanted a brother who looked up to him. That listened to him. That would do what he was told. But that had only been part of what the Siren had tapped into. He'd wanted more than that; the Siren had been everything he'd wanted in some ways…. But there was something in Dean that he hadn't even admitted to.

Dean threw back another gulp of whiskey as his mind continued to torment him.

The Siren had said they would be together if only he got rid of Sam. That Sam didn't trust him, didn't understand him, didn't love him, and all these things had hurt, had made Dean angry, but it hadn't made Dean love, which had surprise the bastard.

But the thing with Sirens was they could get into your head. Deep. Rummage around for what they needed to control you, and he'd found it.

He'd found that need Dean had, and it had nothing to do with his brother. The bastard had used what he'd found.

Sirens were no better than shape-shifters, taking on any form they desired, any form their prey desired, and so gone where the green eyes, replaced with innocent shining blue. Gone was the short cropped hair to be replaced by a wind ruffled mess. Gone was the natural male timbre replaced with one impossibly deep and gravelly one. Gone was the tall figure that met him eye to eye to be replaced with one that Dean had to look down at.

Then he had him. - Completely and without question or doubt. - After that it had only been a matter of time before Sam returned and the Siren used that power against his brother.

The only things Dean had been grateful for that night was that the thing had reverted to his FBI form and hadn't told Sammy just what it had taken to bend Dean to his will. He'd used their sibling rivalry issues to set the two hunters against each other and not Dean's repressed emotional state.

Dean closed his eyes against the memories that flooded his mind. He'd become an expert had pushing away unwanted memoires. - Hiding from them. - So after that he'd forced the experience into the dark recesses of his mind right next to those of his time in hell. He hadn't allowed them to intrude on his life, even when they tried to pry their way back whenever Cas was around.

But when it was silent and there was nothing to stop his mind from wondering that was when they rooted their way into his consciousness.

Everyone was asleep. Ellen and Jo had taken Bobby's room while the old man was crashed out on the cot beneath the bay window. Sammy was out cold on the floor a few feet away. Dean was sure most normal people would find it strange that they were able to sleep soundly with everything that was hanging over them. But that was the thing about hunters, they faced danger every day and so they slept peacefully whenever they could, because they knew that without it, they could be the ones dying. Dean would usually be asleep himself if his mind wasn't tormenting him.

Dean stared across the deck, across the room and into the kitchen. On a chair in the dark sat Cas, the only other person in their world still awake. Of course Cas didn't need to sleep so it wasn't so strange.

The angel sat completely surrounded by darkness; in fact the only light in the house was coming from the small desk lamp beside Dean. Yet he could feel the angels stare and in the dark he knew that their gazes had locked.

With the silence surrounding them it was as if they were the last two people in existence and Dean found that idea strangely inviting, after all there were worse people to spend your life with. Ruby, Meg…. Alastair all came to mind along with a couple of dickless angels. But Cas, he wasn't like any of them, Dean had known that from the beginning despite what he'd said to the contrary.

There had been a bond from the instant Dean had crawled out of his grave, he'd felt something different inside him, a humming feeling that had freaked him out, especially when he'd had no idea how he'd escaped the pit. He'd feared that feeling, scared that his practices in hell had been enough to change him into what he fear becoming the most…. A demon.

Then Castiel had walked through those barn doors, met his gaze with one of heavenly blue innocence, told him he was an angel of the lord and Dean's terror had magnified.

It wasn't knowing that the man upstairs had a big plan for him. It wasn't even the idea that angels existed. It was that the instant Castiel had turned those blue eyes on him, he'd felt a change beginning. Something in his soul had warmed like it had never done before, reaching out to Cas, wanting something in return.

He'd tried to ignore it, Hell had he tried, but there was that humming in his mind, a charge beneath his flesh, so insistent that had become now such a part of him that Dean didn't even notice it was there until it was silenced.

And only one thing silenced it…. Cas.

Whenever he was within ten feet of the angel the humming eased. The closer he got the better he felt and though he was always complaining to the angel about personal space, when it was invade the noise was practically gone…. - Though not completely. Dean actually believed it would never be silenced completely – but it was enough to give him a few moments of peace to breathe, to think.

But that hadn't been the only thing that told Dean that Castiel wasn't like Uriel, Zachariah or Raphael. No, Cas had something those dicks didn't have, faith, compassion and loyalty…

Faith in his father even when everything said the '_man'_ had abandoned them, compassion for humanity and everything it represented, even when it fell short of his expectations, and then there was loyalty…. A loyalty that not even Dean could understand, because that loyalty wasn't to heaven, or his brothers or even God, it was to Dean and that was a terrifying prospect.

Because if Dean and his brother failed, Cas was going to be the one to pay for that failure.

That thought had Dean gut tightening and his heart pounding against his ribs with such force that it hurt. He didn't want Castiel to suffer because of him. He found his throat tightening at the idea of what the other angels, what Lucifer, would do to him.

The angel had been dragged back to bible camp once before and he'd come back a little different, Dean had known it the moment he'd set eyes on him again. It wasn't that Cas had told him in no uncertain terms that he wasn't going to be his bitch. No it was a feeling Dean had gotten the instant Cas was back in his vessel, back in his life, facing him with cold eyes. He'd known then that something truly horrific had happened to the angel back in heaven, because he'd seen that look before - in the mirror - and the idea that Cas had gone through anything close to what he had both wounded and petrified him in equal measure.

And it had been those feeling, that humming, that the Siren had tapped into and used against Dean that night. It had brought to light what Dean had been hiding from. Something he needed to face one way or another.

The question of regrets reared its head again as he sat meeting the angels unflinching stare in the darkness. He still hadn't figured out if Cas regretted anything but he knew there were more than a few things he regretted.

He regretted giving the demon bitch Ruby the ways and means to get into Sammy's head. He regretted not killing the bitch before he went to hell. He regretted everything he'd done while he was there. He regretted not spotting that there was something wrong with Sam and then pushing him right towards Lilith. He regretted allowing Sam to walk away all those months ago without a fight. – At least that one had been fixed before it led to an even bigger and more disastrous regret.

Dean regretted a lot of things he realised, both because they were direct his fault or because he just thought they were.

But there was one thing he wasn't going to go to his grave regretting - he thought to himself as he continued to stare into invisible blue eyes, his body's constant humming echoing though his mind - even if it meant doing what he swore he would never do… again.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Dean listened to the silence of the house, Bobby's heavy breathing. Sam's gentle snore.

Tipping the glass up to be sure every last drop was gone; he slammed it down as quietly as he could and shot to his feet.

Stepping over Sam's outstretched Sasquatch body, his booted feet caused the aging wooden floor to creak slightly but he didn't stop, he'd made up his mind. Reaching the kitchen he looked at Cas and without saying a word the man stood and followed Dean out of the house and into the maze of battered cars until they reached the Impala, parked a few feet away.

Dean stopped without warning beside the vehicle, Cas right behind him, once more breaking Dean's personal space rule, so that when Dean turned they were almost toe to toe.

Dean looked down at the shorter man. It looked like the vodka shots he'd been downing most of the night weren't having even the smallest effect on him. They had all wanted to block out what tomorrow might bring, so they'd drunk Bobby's place dry until they were all so far gone that sleep was all that was left to do.

Except for them; Dean and Cas weren't asleep, they were standing facing each other surrounded by pummeled metal and silence.

Dean met those bright blue eyes that seemed to shine despite the darkness. They didn't need to speak, they just met each other's gaze as they tended to do, more than most people would consider normal. The fresh air swept between them adding to Dean's intoxication.

His heart was pounding again but at least the hum had eased to more of an echo of his former noise, but even though the noise had faded there was still that charge beneath his flesh, deep in the pit of his stomach. It reached out for that something Dean couldn't name. – Or maybe didn't want to name? – But the feeling was too intense, heightened by fear and alcohol and the need to be free of it, even if only for a short while.

Dean took that first step without even thinking, reversing the personal space rule as he stepped so close to Castiel that he could see the dark ring that surrounded his breathtaking miraculous eyes and smell his unique scent; so completely unlike anything on earth, a mix purity and humanity.

But looking and smelling Cas wasn't what was stealing Dean breath, it was the unforgiving warmth that seemed to reach out of the man and pass directly into his own soul. The familiar feeling that had been with him since his resurrection, that usually made him so uncomfortable that he'd had to get away from it… and Cas. That was how the personal space rule had come into effect in the first place. Dean could handle the constant noise in his head, the charge beneath his skin but he couldn't handle this, this…. pull he felt towards the angel.

At least not until tonight, because tonight was when he was going to face what he'd been hiding from for months, tonight was when he was going to embrace whatever it was that was between him and his angel. So that tomorrow he wouldn't die not knowing want it meant.

Dean took a deep breath in anticipation of what he was about to do. His mind revisiting a night long past when a fantasy had been used to torment and destroy.

And though this wasn't what he'd planned when he'd wanted to relieve the stress with a quick tumble, right now he couldn't think of anyone he'd rather do it with. He'd had too many one night stands, too many brief flings, too many nameless faceless women walking in and out of his life. Now he craved something more…. Meaningful.

He was surprised that Cas didn't flinch or move when he began to lower his nervous lips to meet the angels.

'_What are you doing_!' a voice at the back of his mind screamed, he recognized it as his own, though it sounded different, younger, lighter - Horrified.

Cas was probably about to ask the same question when Dean's mouth crashed down silencing him.

That voice shouting for him to '_stop_!' but Dean couldn't bring himself to pull away – even if he wanted to - as that unending din that had tormented him for months was finally silenced completely.

Dean didn't touch Cas as he backed in up against the black metal of the Impala, he didn't need to, the angel moved of his own free will.

'_Dude! Step back now!'_ his younger voice shouted through his brain.

Dean couldn't. He wanted this. He wanted this silence, this peace that reaching to the core of his soul. He hadn't felt this since….. He'd never felt this, not even when the Siren had used this against him, it hadn't silenced his tormented soul. And it was that peace that spired him on, as he moved his mouth against the other mans, trying to ease the tension he felt there.

He knew this was a shock for Cas, after all it was a shock for him. Everyone – including the angel – knew Dean's history, knew about his lust for fornication, that he love drink, food and sex… with women, but that felt like a different Dean, so unlike who he was now. He hadn't been fornicating for a long while and when he had it seemed to feel wrong. Not the '_I'm committing a sin'_ wrong…. More the '_I shouldn't be doing this' – 'this isn't Me.'_ wrong.

And then there was the unexplainable guilt that he'd tried to ignore, a feeling in his soul that he was already bond to another whether he wanted it or not.

Castiel felt Dean's teeth pulling lightly at his full lower lip. He didn't understand what was happening. This was so unlike the Dean he knew. Dean liked women, he's seen him with women, with Anna, and though he was ashamed to admit it he had been a little jealous.

Dean was everything to Castiel, though the hunter never knew it. Castiel had watching over him, protected him even before he'd walked into hell. Dean Winchester wasn't just a human with a destiny, he was Castiel's human. He had always been Castiel's, that was the way god had made it, certain angels watched over certain souls, sometimes one hundred, sometime just one.

For Castiel it was just Dean. That was why he'd been sent into hell to bring him out. That was why they'd sent him to guide him towards his destiny. The hunter was his charge because heaven had chosen for it to be so, but Dean was his life because Castiel had chosen for it to be so.

It wasn't a case of a guardian angel and its charge, not with them; something had happened the day Castiel had fought his way through the armies of hell to rescue Dean Winchester. Something had passed between them the moment he's touched that man's soul and dragged it back into the world. A connection had formed that went beyond what heaven had planned.

A human soul bound to the grace of an angel was something no-one in heaven or on earth could have expected, least of all them, but that's what had happened that day.

Heaven had tried to force Castiel back onto his true path, tried to convince him that what he felt was an abomination to the purity of his grace. That God would punish him for allowing a _'hairless-ape'_ to corrupt that purity and it had almost worked. No, it had worked.

The years of torment and pain, the constant punishment he'd gone through before he'd finally given it to what Zachariah and the others wanted, agreeing to release Sam so he could return to the demon Ruby, agreeing to deliver Anna to them. - Agreeing to deliver Dean to them.

He'd returned to earth and Dean with the fear of becoming a fallen angel torturing him because it was the one thing all angels feared. – If angels feared. – For being branded a fallen angel meant they were lost to heaven, lost to their father and would never be forgiven. It had all been enough to turn Castiel into the soldier they wanted him to be, to the point of betrayal. Free will wasn't for angel and they would not allow one to fall under its influence.

But the bond between Dean and himself was so strong it had surprised every angel in heaven, including himself. Because when the moment came, when heaven's grand plan was about to be fulfilled, Castiel had looked into Dean's pleading soul and had been unable to fight any longer.

That was the day he'd willingly become a fallen angel. The day he'd chosen humanity over heaven, the day he chosen free will over servitude, the day he'd chosen Dean and the day he'd made a vow that everything he did was for Dean Winchester even if it meant his damnation.

And that was why now he allowed himself to yield to Dean's persuasive touch, his lips softening finally, because he'd give Dean anything he wished.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Dean gave a light sigh of relief. For the longest moment he'd thought that what he'd been feeling was all one way. He'd been sure that his angel was going to do his usual vanishing act and Dean had an image of himself lip-smacking his car.

Now he loved Baby, but not in that way.

But then he'd felt the tension leave Cas completely, he couldn't stop himself from sighing when the man's firmly closed lips softened.

Dean felt the cold metal of the Impala against his palms as he braced them on either side of Cas, leaning closer into the shorter man's body, running his tongue across the still motionless male lips. He knew this was going to be a slow process, Cas wasn't exactly experienced and to Dean surprise, considering the frustration he'd been feel all day, he was perfectly willing to take it slow.

And truthfully it was as much for himself as for Cas. After all he'd only done this once before.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity the angelic lips parted and Dean was given the access he craved and he took full advantage of it. Kissing was one thing Dean Winchester knew how to do, and do well. – If he did say so himself. – So he brushed his tongue against Cass cautiously and savored the taste of vodka he found there. But what made every nerve in Dean's body come alive and heat rush through him with the speed of a train was something he hadn't tasted since high school. – Innocence.

He smiled against the angel's unschooled mouth as he brought his hand up to cup Cass cheek. A sensation remembered, feeling the rough scrap of stubble against his palm. His other hand remained on the boot of his car while he leaned closer and closer into the other man. His right hand tilting Cass chin to deepen their kiss savoring the taste of that innocence.

Dean wouldn't have thought he would enjoy that taste, he'd previously preferred experience and he'd enjoyed a partner that knew what they were doing and how to do it. But this felt better and nothing like the fantasy the Siren had given him, after all what did that thing understand about innocence?

This was more than just a make-out session that would be forgotten in the morning. This had substance, it was sweet and gentle, everything Cas deserved and Dean hadn't known he wanted.

He became aware that Cass arms were hanging limply at his side as they always did. He raised his free hand to grip Cass shoulder before sliding it down the tan trench-coat sleeve to take hold of his wrist, lifting it and forcing him to place his hand on Dean's hip, which in turn caused his t-shirt to rid up ever so slightly.

Cool air hit hot skin and Dean sucked in a sharp breath as the edge of Cass hand grazed bare flesh. Fresh sparks shot through him and his breath caught in his chest. He hadn't felt like his since…. Ever.

If he had to though, he'd say that his first time with Cassie was relatively close, but there had been something missing that he hadn't realised till now, though he still couldn't name it, he was sure it was connected to the warmth the angel evoked within him.

Cas did as instructed and his hand rested on the taller man's waist as Dean lent in yet further till his angels was forced to bend to his will, his back curving over the boot of the precious car. As Cass hand gripped tight to his jeans Dean heard himself groan and his right hand slid from his partners cheek to grip the nap of his neck, his other hand siding beneath the trench-coat to take a firm hold of the angels belt, pulling them together.

He felt that familiar heat spread through him causing his blood to race to where it was needed. His teeth pulled at Cass full lower lip again; there was something about that lip that just screamed to be bitten. This time it was the angel that groaned with pleasure and Dean felt a sudden rush of pride and pulled them tighter together with a harsh lustful tug.

It amazed him how well their bodies fit against each other even with the obviously obstacles, and said obstacle was making him increasingly uncomfortable in his clothing. He was sure Cas was feeling the same as he squirmed against Dean's thigh, clearly unaware of the needs of his own body. Instinct took over and Dean ground his hips into Cass causing another heavy groan to be ripped from the angels' throat. Harder still Dean moved until they were both gasping for air.

Dean pulled his mouth reluctantly away from Cass and slid it down the man's neck, feeling his shadowy stubble scrapping against his lips. Something in the pit of his stomach revolted. A memory of something he'd spent so long trying to forget but Dean pushed his away. This was too good to pass up because some small part of him was freaking out.

Castiel's bucked when Dean pressed his teeth against the side of his throat and sucked, his head fell back and his eyes closed without his permission. Sparks short through him and his heart rate increased. The hand Dean had placed on the waist of his jeans clenched closed in the thick material and he didn't know why but he was pulling him tighter against him. He heard a moan that sounded almost painful echoing in his ear then realised it had come from his own throat.

Dean's tongue lapped at the skin he's just been biting and Castiel was gasping for breath. Something in his mind was making a sound, distant as if coming from far away and he realised it was his vessels repressed consciousness. _"Cas?"_ The voice whispered. _"Cas?" _

Castiel couldn't avoid answering the trapped soul; this was still Jimmy's body after all.

"_What's going on Cas? – If I didn't know better I'd say we were having…" _

Castiel confirmed what was happened and he was surprised by Jimmy's reaction. _"Are you sure you want to do this Cas?"_

He had believed most men, especially those who preferred the female gender had trouble with those who did not. They tended to become angry when they became the focus of such attention but Jimmy did not sound angry, Castiel did not sense anger, but concern.

And then there was Dean. His actions were making him question this believe, because if anyone preferred the female gender over the male it was Dean Winchester. Yet he was. Here they were.

Of course he was sure. Castiel answered the distant voice. Surer now than he had been when Dean had first kissed him.

"_Cas, this isn't like…. You know, simple."_

Of course it was, it was the simplest thing in the world. He loved Dean. Dean wanted this.

"_That's not a reason to do this Cas."_

Castiel was silent.

"_Cas?" _

Sparks shot through his body afresh and Jimmy gave a resigned sigh. He knew what those all too human sparks meant. Cas wasn't doing this because Dean wanted it, but because he did.

Jimmy wasn't at all sure he felt comfortable about any of this. But after more than a year sharing his body with the angel, Jimmy thought he understood so much more than even Castiel.

Everyone thought of angels as male. Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, painters had depicted them for centuries in male form, even the bible spoke of them as if they were men, but the truth that Jimmy had discovered when he'd said yes was that angels didn't bow to gender. They were too pure for that. Sure most angels took male form, but only because in the beginning men had held the weight of authority and if an angel wanted respect from humanity then that was how to get it.

But times had changed and so had angels. Castiel was proof of that. He wasn't just an angel who loved humanity. He was an angel who loved a human - A man, a hunter, and Jimmy understood that love because he loved Amelia and Claire.

He was only glad of one thing, as merely a vessel he had no awareness of anything but Castiel's grace wrapping him in the safe blanket of his love, which meant he had no awareness of what was happening to his body only what the angel was feeling.

_"Cas? – Just be careful OK."_ Jimmy sighed not wanting their angel to be hurt in any way. _"… and relax, just let yourself enjoy it….."_ He couldn't believe he was saying this. Castiel was an angel; surely this was breaking every rule in the holy book, but Jimmy had learnt a lot in the past year and sometimes rules – even heavenly one – were meant to be broken.

But I do not understand what this is, how am I to enjoy it?

"_It's called desire Cas, and once you relax you'll enjoy it, just trust me… trust Dean." _As he spoke, Jimmy wondered what had possessed the other man to make such a move. Sure Jimmy knew the angel and his hunter had a bond, he felt it, and he'd seen that look in Dean's face the day Castiel had been ripped back to heaven. But he had thought of Dean was a man's man, the type of guy that worked his way through every woman in the phonebook before moving on to the next state.

From the brief time Jimmy had spent with Dean he'd made up his mind that he like him. He had wanted to help him so badly, even if it meant never seeing Castiel again, but he'd never expected him to take this kind of action. Dean had some seriously repressed issues that Jimmy had never expected him to ever get over.

Jimmy's distant voice fell silent allowing Castiel to concentrate on Dean and the desire he was awakening in the fallen angel.

His other hand lifted to grip Dean's waist without any assistance. He felt a tingling run through him and his body once more moved of his own accord, rubbing up close to Dean's firm muscular thigh.


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N Would like to thank you all for the wonderful review. :) **

**Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.**

* * *

><p>CHAPTER FIVE<p>

The feel of Cas pressing against him had Dean taking the man's mouth once again. It was also enough to push him into moving this forward. His hand fell away from Cass neck to grip the handle of the Impala's back door. He tugged and groaned when it didn't give way. The damn thing was locked. _Why?_ Dean never locked the car while it was parked in Bobby's yard. Then he realised that Sammy had been the last one to drive her which meant he'd locked it, which also meant that he had the keys.

Damn his brother. There were times when he could kill that kid. Lifting his mouth from Cass a fraction, giving both men a change to get a gulp of the fresh air there intense make-out session was robbing them of.

"Cas…." Dean moaned with desperate lust. "Cas…the door." He breathed.

He didn't need to be more specific, Cas knew his mind better than anyone and as his lips hovered a inches from the hunters, Dean felt the car door give under his touch. The hunter smiled crookedly against the angels' mouth, kissing him again.

It didn't take much to maneuver Cas through the open door. The angel scooted over to the other side of the car to allow Dean room to climb in and close the door behind him. Kneeling on the battered leather he met Castiel's wide eyed innocence, that was still so clearly there despite everything the angel had been though over the last few months and the air caught in his lungs as the moonlight spilled though the back window to highlight the strong jaw and impressively seductive full lips that most women in the world would kill for. Now they were a dark shade of pink and more swollen than before this had started.

Cocooned inside the forty year old wonder that was Dean's car, it didn't take long for the doubts to crowd in, taking on the sound of his younger self.

'_Dude! You can't do this. – we're not gay!'_ that inner voice shouted.

Dean tried to block it out as he moved on with his seduction.

'_Don't! – don't you dare….. I'll make you sick.'_ That inner voice warned maliciously.

Dean froze a few inches away from Cas. He didn't want to be sick, but looking down at those wide blue eyes and those swollen pink lips he so wanted to risk it.

_'I mean it. I'll be sick if you kiss that guy again.' _Dean balanced between need and fear; he didn't want to embarrass Cas or himself. '_You're not gay!' _the younger voice shouted_. _

Grow the fuck up. We're too old for this homophobic shit. He told himself.

'_I'm not homophobic, a guy can do whatever or whoever he wants, just as long it's not me. – I have never and will never swing that way.'_

Dean groaned as he came to the conclusion that that saying had finally been used one too many times. I say that a lot you know. If Cas was a girl instead of a guy would you be arguing.'

'_Of course I wouldn't be arguing, because bang women is what we do. We're straight, that's what straight people do.'_

Dean couldn't believe he was arguing with himself. He couldn't have done this twenty minutes ago before he'd dragged them both out of the house.

You know that there's a bond between us, a pretty strong one. Stronger than anything we've had with a woman, not even Cassie…. or Lisa. If Cas was a girl angel, like Anna, we would have banged him well before now and the only reason we haven't done was because we were running scared, hiding behind this whole macho homophobic chip on our shoulder. Hell the Siren knew it.

'_That had nothing to do with being gay!' _the younger voice snapped defensively._ 'We were upset about Sammy and his lying. We wanted the ideal brother – one who'd do what we told him.'_

Oh give me a break. That only cuts so far pal. That doesn't explain everything else that happened that night. It doesn't explain the make-out session with a blue eyed, full lips dude that had a rather uncanny resemblance to the guy looking at us like we've lost our thing wasn't tapping into desire for the perfect sibling… it was tapping into this.

Dean could almost picture his younger self rolling his eyes and wanting to take a swing at his older self and the image made him smile, which was returned by Cas, though his lips didn't pull back in the regular way, but it was in his eyes. Cas always smiled with his eyes, subtle and beautiful.

Dean moved forward a few inches on his hands and knees.

'_Dude you move one more inch.'_ The younger voice warned, stopping Dean in his tracks.

Shut the fuck up! Dean warned back. We're doing this.

'_No! – We're fucking not!... I do….'_

If you say swing again I'm going to swing for my young friend; you really need to rethink your definition of sexuality.

'_What?'_

I've come to a rather world altering conclusion. Everyone's Bi, it just a matter of the right incentive. Then we'll swing whichever way it takes us. Souls don't have a gender, douche-bag.

'_Aren't we the great philosopher all of a sudden? You've been hanging out with Sammy too long. You're beginning to sound like him; you're making it sound like we're soul-mates or something.'_ Young Dean scoffed.

Dean felt his brow rise as if he was actually standing face to face with himself and he came to the conclusion that he might have had too much to drink.

'_I agree… way too much to drink.'_ The younger groaned. '_How else do you explain making terrible decisions like banging a guy? – And we don't even believe in soul-mates. That's for girls. – of course it looks like that's what we've become.'_

Cas gave up everything for us. He shouted angrily into his head. He rebelled against heaven. He got us out of hell and has stood by us without complaint. He knows what we're thinking before we've even though it and vise-versa. So tell me genius what would you call it?

'_Vulcan mind meld.'_ Young Dean said sarcastically, still refusing to give in without a fight. _'Beside we don't even know what to do. - the Siren didn't get that far… did it?" _

Dean's mind had been so messed up back then because of that things drug he'd always wonder if he remembers everything.

No. But we watch that movie this morning. It doesn't seem all that different to what we're used to.

'_Different? This is a guy we're talking about. They don't exactly have all the same parts – or actually they do, that's the problem._

Why else do you thing I was watching it? He suddenly confessed to himself.

Dean could almost see the younger self groan and drop his head into his hands with embarrassment but at least it had finally done the trick and shut the young smart-mouth up. Dean breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't argued with himself like that since the time he'd been drugged by that crazy dream walker guy.

He looked into Cass blue eyes and smiled. His heart hammering against his Enochian carved ribs. All the doubts had been silenced and now he could get back to the angel before him and those mouthwatering swollen lips.

_May I remind you that this is an angel? _The younger voice added in a last ditched attempted to derail Dean's intentions._ 'I mean, don't you think we've got enough sin's on our conscious? _

Dean froze. Finally his younger self had made a point he couldn't even argue with.

We've already been down this road with Anna. Dean replied.

'_Not while she had her wings we didn't.'_

Dean could practically see the smug look on his younger face. He'd hit a nerve. Was this such a good idea? It was one thing for Cas to choose to rebel against heaven, but was it right to seduce him into another act of rebellion. One that could damn them both?

'_Better make up your mind there Dean…' _his younger voice taunted._ 'cause he's about to flitter away.'_


	7. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Dean's hand shot out to grab Cass tie before he had a chance to go poof. It surprised both of them as Dean had never been able to stop Cas from leaving before, the angel was just too fast.

Dean's hazel eyes met a pair of wide blue ones. Dean hadn't seen that expression since their meeting with Chastity.

_If ever there was irony in a name that was it. _

It was a look of abject terror. Except when Dean looked deep into those beautiful angelic blue eyes he saw confusion, doubt and fear, everything that had just ran through his own mind. But there was something else…. Hope.

But Dean treacherous conscience had gotten the final say and Dean was inching back. Guilt, doubt, regret and shame clouding his hazel gaze. He wanted this, truly he did, but he'd not have Cass damnation on his conscience, especially if they were going to meet death tomorrow.

This had begun because Dean hadn't wanted to go to his grave regretting Cas, but if he when through with this, that was just what he'd do. Because his angel was the one who would pay for their sins… and he was pretty sure now that seducing an angel was a pretty hefty sin. He really didn't need a repeat performance of his time in hell.

He reluctantly looked into Cass eyes to apologies. Hoping Cas would understand without him speaking the words.

Castiel was doing it again. Looking into Dean and seeing everything. It wasn't hard to see what was going through Dean's mind. The hunter was like an open book.

When he was angry it was obvious and everyone knew, but when Dean was in pain it was there hidden in his eyes. When he felt guilt or shame or fear it was all right there glowing like the moon on a clear night. How could Sam not see any of this? Surely a brother should see it?

And right now all those emotions where fighting against hope, desire and need for control of Dean and Castiel could see which side was winning. He could see the apology in his gaze as he moved away from him and he could see its cause.

Dean had never been a man of faith, Castiel had always known that, but he was a man of conscience and mortals – decidedly loose one admittedly – but he knew where the lines where and rarely crossed them.

Since his experience in hell a kind of faith had taken hold of Dean and now he tried even harder to stay on the right side of those lines for fear of falling back into the pit.

But that wasn't all Dean feared, looking into those apologetic eyes and that warm glowing soul, Castiel saw that Dean fear for him. Feared the punishment Castiel would receive if they continued down this path. And that only made Castiel love him more, because now he knew that for everything he was willing to give up for Dean, Dean was willing to do the same for him.

"Dean." Cas said gently into the draining silence.

"I – I'm sorry Cas…. I…."

Dean didn't get to finish his apology as Castiel's hand gripped the collar of his t-shirt and dragged him back down, taking his mouth with in a desperate and heart-stopping kiss that communicated everything.

Cas wanted this as much as Dean and damn the consequences. Dean tried to pull away, but the angel would not let him go. Not until he'd made his point and they were back on track.

It took longer to make that point than either of them would have expected but finally Dean succumbed to the angels' persuasion.

Dean couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he was pulled in for a fresh assault of tonsil hockey, unable to stop himself. He knew he was weak, hell had taught him that, but Cas made it feel too good to refuse.

If Cas had been the one trying to break him in hell, he thought to himself, there would have been no way he would have lasted thirty years…. With these lips, he wouldn't have lasted a day.

Once he was back in the swing of his fresh make-out session his mind and the doubts, that had pick an inopportune moment to rear their ugly head, fell silent, hopefully for good. He found his arguing mind an unwelcome distraction from Castiel.

While Dean was devouring Cass heavenly mouth his hands began working to be rid of that infernal trench-coat that seemed to be permanently glued to the angel, as he had it and the jacket beneath past the man's shoulder Cas pulled away, breaking their kiss and gasping for air while he tried to speak.

_Who knew angels need air?_ Dean thought to himself with a laugh.

"D-Dean."

Something about the way this guy said his name always made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end "humm?" he murmured as he tried to recapture Cass mouth.

"Dean…"

Dean combing his fingers into the angels' short brown hair.

'_You're going back to hell Dean Winchester. Seducing an angel. Big no no_.' his younger voice taunted once more.

But this time Dean didn't listen.

"Dean, Jim…"

Dean fingers closed over Cass mouth in the same manner the angel had used over six months ago. He met his gaze and spoke in a low and urgent whisper. "Cas, I don't want to know… this is going to be… this is confusing enough without the thought of it turning into some kind of cosmic threesome rolling around in my head." He met those eyes and fresh heat rushed thought his body, the blood pumping back to where it was going to be needed. He had to swallow before he could speak again.

".. If you don't want this Cas…" Dean's tone turned serious. "…I understand… this isn't exactly what I'd had in mind when I said you weren't going to die a virgin, you can get your feathery white butt out of here if you want, I won't stop you…." Though the way his groin was pressing painfully against his jeans had him praying that Cas wouldn't take that option and when he didn't sense the angel about to turn tail and vanish he smiled. "…. Otherwise…" _did you just growl?_ ".. Shut up…" Dean waited another beat before picking up where they left off.

For a second Dean had actually thought Cas was going to flitter away, then all of a sudden he had relaxed back against the car door. He didn't say another word, he didn't even smile, but then Cas never did, but he had a way of looking at Dean that told him everything he wanted the hunter to know. – And right now it was tell him that this was terrifying the living hell out of him.

Dean pulled back. "Me too buddy. – You have no idea."

"That is what I was trying to tell you Dean." Cas said a little confused.

Dean frowned. "What?"

"I have no idea what I'm doing…. Jimmy didn't explain…"

Dean stopped him talking again before giving him a lopsided smile. "We'll figure it out Cas. Trust me."

"That's what Jimmy said to do."

Dean glared at him in warning and Cas met that glare without flinching as he always did. Dean felt his blood heating at that stare. Cas had to be the only person in the world who wasn't intimated by him. In fact more often than not it was Cas doing the intimidating.

And that made him incredibly sexy.


	8. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

Dean grinned flirtatiously as he pulled the tie from around Cass neck and dropping it down beside them on the floor of the impala.

It was a strange and nerve raking experience stripping a guy. So completely surreal for someone who'd only ever done any of this with women, but Dean had dealt with Cass clothing before… well once, kind of. A few months ago they'd been on the hunt for an archangel and Dean had had to straighten the man's usually untidy appearance if they were going to pass as FBI agents. So he'd done up Cass top button, straightened his tie and had felt completely comfortable doing so, as if it was an everyday occurrence and not a strange thing for two grown men to be doing in public.

Now here Dean was doing the reverse. He came back to the present and realised Cass aforementioned shirt was gone and Dean lent back on his knees slightly to take in the sight. Pulling his lower lip between his teeth for a second before running his tongue over it. His gaze scanned the smooth male physic that stretched perfectly over muscle and bone. The guy could easily give him and Sammy a run for their money in the fitness sakes. He had to give Jimmy his dues; the dude had provided Cas with a killer body.

Dean cursed silently and forced that thought out of his head. He'd meant what he'd said about not wanting Cass vessel to be their third wheel. Dean was having enough trouble dealing with what he was doing and feeling, without thinking of Jimmy being forced to go through this with them.

After all he was a happily married straight man, who Dean had no doubt wouldn't even look at another woman let alone a man. But then he's thought that about himself and was darn certain that if it hadn't been for a well sculpted angel blowing into his life he'd be asleep right now dreaming of half-naked women, rather than staring down at a half-naked man with an intriguing little mole above his right nipple which sent a spark of pure lust shooting though him.

Dean pulled his green shirt off his shoulder and dropped it on top of the growing pile of clothing before reaching his arms over he grabbed the back of his black t-shirt, pulling it over his head to reveal his own well tone chest muscles. Hunting had its perks.

When he dropped the T-shirt and turned his attention back to Cas laying crookedly staring at him, he saw a light in his eyes.

"Come on Cas, it's not like you haven't seen me strip before." Dean smirked light-heartedly.

Cas dropped his gaze with embarrassment. "I have not Dean." He whispered.

Dean gave him a narrow, teasing sideways glance. "Really?..." he leaned forward. "All that power and you never once took even a peek?"

Cass eyes shot up offended. "No!"

"I think I feel insulted."

"Why?" Castiel frowned. Though Dean had teased the angel a thousand times since their first meeting it seemed Cas hadn't quite worked out when he was doing so.

Dean lent forward slowly, that lopsided grin on his face that always worked on women. They seemed to think it was charming. "I'm teasing Cas." He whispered. "I get your nervous; this is exactly common ground for me either."

"You have experience Dean." Cas announced stone-faced.

"Not like this I don't. – This is as new to me as it is to you."

"Then why are you…" Cass deep voice echoed in the silence of the car.

"_We_." Dean corrected.

"…Doing it?"

That knocked Dean for six. He hadn't quite expected to have to give a lecture on the subject, especially when he didn't understand it himself. All he knew was he wanted it…. he wanted Cas. It was undeniable to the point of driving him insane.

Keep it simple, Dean told himself, _and don't use any big words_.

He ran a nervous hand over Cass firm stomach muscles and felt the angel catch his breath, which in turn caused him to do the same. His jeans were becoming tighter.

He was doing that thing with his lips again. Castiel noticed. He did that a lot and he always found his eyes drawn to Dean's mouth when he did. He didn't think it was a nervous gesture because Castiel hadn't seen him do it while talking to other people, only him.

And just like every other time, Castiel was staring at those firm lips that hadn't long been parted from his.

When Dean's fingers brushed lightly against the flesh of his abdomen the angels' breath caught in his lungs and he swallowed. His body was growing warmer by the moment. His heart was pounding beneath his ribs. His head felt light. He glanced down and noticed his trousers had tented. Castiel knew what this meant, biologically speaking, but to feel it was… different.

"Because I like you." Dean finally said with a tight tense throat. "A lot – and when two people like each other, like this, they…. They do this."

Cas eyes narrowed. "I understand the principles of sex Dean. I am an angel, not an idiot."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Then why are you asking?"

"I meant why are _you_ doing this with _me_? – You desire females, I have seen you…"

"Cas." Dean groaned. "This is not the time for this conversation."

"Why?"

"Because." He said as if to bring an end to the insanity.

Cas stared at him again with his head tilted and eyes narrowing further with questions, though he didn't speak.

"People don't talk before sex Cas, it kills the mood. Very much like it is now."

"Oh." Cas frowned, still not understanding.

Dean was desperate, he needed to get off this subject and back to stripping off clothing and making-out and hopefully seeing this through to the end. Leaning forward he met Cass questioning gaze and spoke in his most seductive voice. "Cas… I'll answer any questions you have after, but right now can we forget the whys and just get back to the fun."

Before the angel could reply Dean was kissing him again. It seemed to be the only thing that shut Cas up and got him all hot and bothered - and it appeared to have worked.

There was no more talking after that, only kissing and touching and more kissing. Dean's mouth explored Castiel's body with an excitement and ease that surprised him. More clothes were added to the pile and though it was a rather cold night outside, the Impala was warm and inviting as their body heat clouded the windows.

They found that fitting two fully grown men into a back seat was a challenge, but one the pair relishing. Where women had been petite and been able to fit perfectly against the battered leather, leaving Dean room to maneuver; Cas was anything but petite, though shorter than Dean, he wasn't short and it had been a trial to get comfortable.

Cass foot had almost gone through the window twice. Dean had banged his head on the roof, while Cas had hit his on the door. But as soon as they'd found their spot; everything had run a little more smoothly.

It had turned out that that mornings little _'educational'_ movie hadn't been necessary after all, because instinct was a wonderfully useful thing, and when it came to Cas, Dean's instincts were on top form.

And when Cass hand slid over Dean's shoulder, covering his own hand mark, a moan was ripped from deep down in the hunters throat as something pure, warm and breathtaking rippled through him. He was amazed he hadn't hit his peek right then, but instead he'd wrapped his fingers into Cass thick hair and ravaged his mouth while his other hand explored the contours of the Dean's body.

He had thought he'd be nervous, uncomfortable, maybe even ashamed. He had thought he'd freeze at the thought of touching another man intimately, but when it came to it, Dean hadn't even flinched. His hand had moved over Cass toned muscles savoring every inch under his fingertips and when they ran down his taunt stomach to find solid male velvet he hadn't so much as blinked.

Their eyes never left each other which was new for Dean, though it shouldn't have been, Dean couldn't help but meet Cass gaze even when they were fully clothed and standing in a room of people, his eyes were always fixed on the angels, so why should this be any different, but it was because he'd never looked into a partners eyes before. Sex was just that and eye contact wasn't necessary, even with Cassie, Lisa and Anna he hadn't gazed into their eyes, once they'd gotten into the swing of things he tended to close his eyes and enjoy the sensations.

But looking into Cass wide blue eyes as they glazed over with passion increased Deans and when he reached that point where he would usually throw his head back in ecstasy, he didn't move. He smiled into those angelic eyes and watching with satisfaction as Cass came undone. – Banging his head on the door once again.

That made Dean wish they could have had a bed, he'd considered getting Cas to do his angel transporting thing and drop them into the panic room, but even though everyone was fast asleep, he knew that they were all on full alert and the slightest unusual sound would bring everyone running and that was the last thing he wanted. This was his and Cass time. He didn't want questions or condemnations and he certainly didn't want Sammy seeing him.

Beside Baby was his home.

As it turned out, much to Dean's delight, it was a wise decision. For an angel that rarely seemed to talk, Cas was anything but quiet and Dean couldn't keep the self-satisfied grin of his face as he sent the innocent angel toppling over the brink, gripping onto the man's hips as he followed right after him.

Dean fell exhausted over Cas. Breathing in the man's unique scent and kissing the side of his neck, tasting the rich favours of sweat and satisfaction. His hand roamed from hip to chin in a lazy procession.

That had been a thousand times better than what he'd imagined. That Siren could never have held a candle to his angel and Dean was damn sure this wasn't going to be regretted….

'_Or repeated'_ his younger voice groaned in disgust.


	9. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

The hammering inside Dean's head pulled him from the most rested sleep he'd had in months. He winced as he tried desperately to ignore it. Morning wasn't far off; though the sun hadn't risen to burn into his eyes he could hear the bird song resounding through his drunken mind. He was clearly not in the house; he could feel the rough leather of the Baby against his back.

And the warmth of anothers human body against his front. He smiled to himself as he came to the realization that he was relaxed, as only sex had the power to make him.

_So Jo had changed her mind after all. _

His body was already aroused and pressing closer to the one in front, his arm was draped casually over the resting form, his hand settled against heating flesh. His nose buried itself into his partners' hair and his lips brushed the sensitive skin at the base of the neck.

And he froze.

The hand that had rested so naturally on Cass stomach was quickly pulled back like it had been burned. In fact Dean's entire body grew ridged and tried to move as far away from the other man as he could get. Of course there was no escape and Dean was merely pressed further into the battered leather.

Cass felt an unusual sensation that felt like his stomach had dropping away. It was almost painful. His breath caught in his throat. Every nerve and muscle in his body scream, nothing close to the ecstasy he'd felt only a few hours ago. This reminded him of his return to heaven. The shame, humiliation and pain he'd suffered.

He swallowed what felt like a rock.

Dean dreaded opening his eyes; he didn't need to, to know who it was snuggled up against him. His heart was pounding in his chest. His stomach knotted. His mind turning cartwheels, adding to the pain of his hangover.

Finally realizing he had no choice and with all the courage he could muster he opened his eyes and found….. Nothing.

Cas was no-longer laying pressed against him and Dean instantly regretted it. He looked up slightly and saw the angel sat in the front passengers' seat. Naked, staring blankly out of the windscreen. His spine straight and his shoulders back, sitting as if nothing was wrong with this picture.

Dean rubbed his hand down his face and clenched his jaw as he inhaled the angels scent. He was shaking but what was worse was that his body was not cooperating with his hung-over brain and was clearly wanting round two. Dean groaned looking down at himself. He was fully erect and it had nothing what-so-ever to do with just waking up. He knew that instinctively. He bit the inside of his cheek.

'_I tried to stop you.'_ A voice called from the back of his mind. _'But you wouldn't listen… and now look what you've done.' _

Shut the fuck up. Dean shouted back. He didn't need his smug younger self goading him. He felt bad enough as it was.

Dean sprung up on the back seat and began searching through the pile of clothes on the Impala's floor; separating his from Cass. Pulling on his boxers and Jeans he threw the angels suit over the chair in silence.

He couldn't look at Cas sat in the front seat and the angel didn't say a word to him. They just sat there in a strained silence.

What was he supposed to say? He'd never had this trouble before, but then he usually wasn't around for the 'morning-after-the-night-before' He'd usually have hit the road with Sam.

_Sammy_! Oh what the hell was Sammy going to say? Dean learned forward with his head in his hand and tried to catch his breath. Trying to control his wayward body before he spoke. He needed to speak. He need to be sure Cas wasn't going to tell Sam.

After three painfully deep breaths and without lifting his head Dean spoke, his voice deep, stern and just the tad bit threatening.

"Cas…. No-one finds out. Understand."

The angel remained silent and Dean winced at the harshness of his tone. Everything about last night was slowly seeping through the alcohol induced fog. His hand were shaking he noticed as he stared down at them. Images of them against Cass skin bombarding his mind. Everything he'd said ringing in his ears.

"Cas…." He wanted to look up, see Cass face, but he couldn't bring himself to. Apologies were never Dean's strong point. "… People don't tell others about there…."

There what? One-night-stands? Sexual antics? Sex-lives? – love-lives? Dean shook his head harshly at that last thought, groaning as it sent a fresh barrage of pain through his head.

"…people don't talk about this kind of stuff. It's private. Understand." His voice still rung with a threatening tremor and Dean hated himself for it. But he couldn't have Sam and Bobby know about this. He'd kept what happened with the Siren a secret, he had every intention of keeping this drunken indiscretion one.

More silence. He finally forced himself to look up from his bare feet on the Impala's floor and found himself alone.

He hadn't even noticed the angel had gone. He hadn't heard the tell-tell flutter of wings or felt the brush of air that usually followed it. What he did notice what that infernal humming was back screaming through his brain. It had been silenced last night and Dean had allowed himself to believe it was gone for good.

Dean slouched in the back seat staring at the seat in front of him, his hand absently rubbing at his shoulder. Last night replayed itself over and over in his mind. He felt that gut-wrenching feeling that always made him sick and he was forced to throw open the door and blow chunks. He hadn't felt like this since finding out he'd started the apocalypse, at least then he'd had someone to comfort him. Someone to sit at his bedside and tell him that everything was going to be okay.

Dean looked up to search around for that comforting soul that never failed him and found…. Nothing.

And if he was honest, he hadn't expected to. He'd blown it. Cas was never going to forgive him for his reaction or his harsh warning and if Dean was truthful he'd probably never forgive himself. Cas wasn't just another one-night-stand. Their connection ran deep for both of them and Dean had betrayed that connection.


	10. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

Dean was stocking up the boot thirty minutes later, the sun had risen and they were due to head out soon. Dean hadn't spoken or seen Cas since he'd performed his angel vanishing act and he felt like death warmed up. His head had stopped its pounding but the noise was loader than ever. Almost deafening and it had already had him spilling his guts once that morning and he was beginning to feel like it was going to happen again.

Dean leant into the boot while taking deep lungful's of air. He had to get this hangover under control if he was going to make it to Carthage and through this mission.

"You alright?"

Dean jumped and nearly hit his head on the boots hood. Turning around sharply he meet Jo's concerned and amused gaze. His gut dropped another fifty feet with disappointment. "Yeah."

"You sure?" Jo asked leaning her bottoms against the car.

"I'm fine."

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

Dean's mind was flooded. He could swear he was blushing, though Jo didn't say anything so he guessed he was just being paranoid, but he wasn't imagining the tightness in his groin or the trail of sweat that slid down his spine. "Yeah… some." He replied honestly.

Jo looked away into the maze of cars and sighed. "I didn't."

Dean swallowed and stared at her. If Jo was awake had she heard them leaving the house? Had she seen them? Dean fought the panic. Would she tell Sam?

"I got a few hours, but it's wasn't good."

Dean sighed. "A few hours are better than none, even if they were the worst." He turned his attention back to the supplies though he'd already finished filling Baby.

Jo turned back to him and Dean felt her hand on his arm. When he looked at her he saw that familiar light in her eyes. Desire and regret.

"I think I should have taken you up on your offer." She smiled up at him. "Maybe when this is over…."

Dean swallowed hard, unable to speak, his heart hammering, his mind screaming. Two year ago Dean would have taken full advantage of Jo's offer. He would have pulled her into a kiss as they stood there alone. But he wasn't the same man he'd been a two years ago. He'd spent forty years in hell and another year tormented by what he'd done there.

More than that had changed him. Something had changed within him on a fundamental level. He was over the whole one-night-stand thing. He wanted more than that. He wanted peace and he'd found someone to give him that. Now all he had to do was deal with his new found gayness and the discomfort it was causing him.

"Dean."

He was still staring at Jo when that all too familiar voice spoke coldly. The hunter spun around like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He meet Cass cool gaze and pulled instantly away from Jo, who blushed at the angel. He knew he had that guilty look on his face and hoped Jo would suss why.

Castiel stared at Dean as he stared at Jo. She was looking at him with wonder in her eyes, her hand resting on his arms. Castiel's body was ridged. He could feel his grace burning against the human flesh. He could hear a distant voice calling for his attention. But he ignored it. He did not want Jimmy's advice or his opinion. Jimmy had said to trust Dean and he had. That trust in Dean had him allowed him to fall even further away from Heaven. It had been just another step towards being cast as a fallen angel.

Castiel wanted to leave. Wanted to leave Dean with the woman he wanted but there was a battle to fight, an enemy to face. So Castiel called the pairs attention to his presence. Meeting Dean's gaze unflinchingly and was surprise when Dean would not meet it.

"Cas." Dean said tightly, looking from the angel to Jo and back again. "We were just…"

"We have a battle to fight…." Cas interrupted not wanting to hear Dean's excuses. "…Unless you have changed your mind about killing Lucifer?"

Dean glared at him with a tight jaw, that stubborn challenging glare lighting his eyes again. He narrowed his gaze, Cas met that challenge and that glare with one of his own, focusing his angelic wrath on the man before him. Dean wasn't intimidated by many people, but Cas knew he was one of the few that could make Dean squirm with a mere look.

It quickly became a silent battle of wills that was making Jo uncomfortable.

"I'll go tell Mom and Sam that we're ready." She said, rushing past Cas.

When she was gone Dean finally spoke. "That was rude." He snapped.

"I apologies for interrupting you." Cas returned emotionlessly.

Dean groaned. "I meant the way you spoke to Jo."

"I did not speak to her. I spoke to you."

"Well that was rude too. You could have said hello or something."

Cas tilted his head slightly. "I will remember for next time."

Dean shook his head and turned back to the boot, feigning interest in its contents. "Cas…."

"Yes Dean."

"Don't say my name like that."

"Like what Dean."

"Like… like you're pissed at me."

"I am not… pissed at you Dean."

Dean groaned and ran his hand down his face before turning to meet Cass blank stare.

The guy said everything with his eyes and right now they were saying… nothing, which meant to Dean's mind that his angel was very pissed at him. He hadn't seen that angry angelic glare since he'd refused to allow him to kill that kid Jesse. It always made him nervous, cause even if Cas wasn't playing for them at the moment, he was still an angel, which meant wrath and smiting was second nature to him.

Dean suddenly wondered just what he'd have to do for Cas to turn around and do just that. He swallowed. "Listen Cas… I…. I shouldn't have…" this was possibly the hardest thing he'd ever done.

"I understand Dean."

"Good… Wait. What….?"

"You feel ashamed of what happened last night. I am sorry that I allowed it to happen. I was curious. I should not have given in to human desire… and you do not have to be concerned it will not happen again. – And I will not tell anyone."

"I… that's not… I wasn't… Dammit Cas, I wasn't going to say that." he scratched at the back of his head in an anxious gesture.

Cas tilted his head further and narrowed his eyes questioningly.

Dean opened his mouth to speak again but they were interrupted by the sound of load voices as Bobby, Jo, Ellen and Sam appeared in the distance.

"Listen Cas…" Dean said quickly. "We can't talk about this now. We've got a job to do. But after we'll sit down and talk."

Sam, Bobby, Jo and Ellen were getting closer.

"That will not be necessary Dean."

"Yes it is." Dean said sternly meeting Cass gaze with force. "… and just so you know, I was going to say sorry about snapping at you this morning."

They were silently staring at each other when the group arrived at their side.

"Morning Cas." Sam smiled, he was still awkward around the angel but he tried his best to hide it. Cas was Dean friend, rather than his, and as such he had to be nice.

"Hello." Cas turned to Jo and Ellen. "Hello."

The two women looked at each other before returning the greeting.

"Ellen, I want Cas riding with you."

Everyone, including Cass, looked at Dean.

"Why?" Ellen inquired puzzled.

"Just in case there's trouble, he can zap you out quick."

"We can take care of ourselves Dean Winchester." Ellen scolded.

Dean smiled sweetly at her, putting all of his charm behind it. "I am fully aware of that Ellen. – Please."

Clearly neither the older woman nor her daughter was impressed with Dean's decision.

"Listen, we're in less danger than you two. They want us to wear to the prom, there not likely to kill us on sight…."

For a few more moments Dean was sure the women were going to argue some more. He breathed a sigh of relief when Ellen nodded.

"Alright… I concede to your point." She smiled at the boys then to the angel. "Come on then angel-boy." She leaned down, slapped Bobby on the shoulder before dropping a kiss to his check as if she knew this was going to be the last time she saw the man. It had Bobby blushing and forced Dean, Sam and Jo mask their grins.

Jo followed suite with a hug before trailing after her mother but not before throwing Dean a deliciously promising smile that none of the men missed.

Cas didn't look at the three men, he simply turned around silently and shadowed the two women. Dean felt his insides knot with concern but after a few more seconds of watching Cas walk away from him, he turned to Bobby with a nod, chick-flick moments where not for them, not when they weren't needed.


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N Sorry this is a rather short chapter :)**

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><p>CHAPTER TEN<p>

Bobby and Dean had a father/son bond that Dean hadn't had with his really father and worse hadn't realised he'd been missing. Though he loved John Winchester; the man would always be his idol, - John was a wonderful hunter. – But in the father stake he fell a little short, not that Dean held that against him. John had saved tons of people. He'd made him and Sammy into the hunters they were today.

It was just that John hadn't given Dean what he'd need in a father, not like Bobby Singer did. He hated to admit it, but John had been all about revenge. He used him and Sam. He expected blind obedience and loyalty even when he was wrong. Dean didn't doubt his father loved them; he just loved the job more.

Of course Dean hadn't realised any of this until the man had died, leaving him with a heavy weight on his soul and Bobby was the one to pick up the pieces.

With a deep breath he met the older man's eyes, wishing he could come with them and yet glad that that wheelchair meant he'd be safe here. Swallowing back the fear of never seeing his surrogate father again he turned "See you soon." He called over his shoulder and marched around to the driver's seat of his Baby.

"Just make sure you get your arse back here in one piece." Bobby ordered.

Dean waved a dismissive hand and wrenching the door open he slid behind the wheel, leaving it to Sammy to do the whole emotional girly stuff.

Dean sat behind the wheel of the Impala and tried to focus his mind, but he couldn't keep Cas out of it and being back in the enclosed space only made it worse.

Last night he'd sat thinking about regrets and those thoughts had led him out into the night and into the back seat of this car with an angel of the lord, determined not to regret never being with the soul that had been his savior, his supporter and his friend. Now he sat there realizing that instead of easing his regrets he'd added to them.

He heard Sam get in next to him, settling his tall Sasquatch body into the seat. Slamming the door closed. He leaned forward and opened the glove compartment, searching through the chaos that lay within it, frowning.

"Dean?"

"What?"

"Where's my hand lotion?"

Sammy was such a girl. "How the fuck should I know." Dean smirked. "Maybe it's in your handbag with you lipstick and hairspray."

He felt his brothers' bitch-face but didn't look at him.

"Dean?"

"Yeah."

He looked out of the corner of his eye and saw Sam looking around the car, sniffing the air, his gaze falling knowingly on the back seat. He leaned over and snatched something off the floor. Dean felt his inside tighten as fresh memories bombarded him, his body stirring at the images.

Sam turning amused eyes on his brother. "So I guess Jo changed her mind last night."

"What makes you say that?" Dean replied coolly.

"Ah, cause the car stinks of sex. – I wish you wouldn't use my stuff in you kinky sex antics." Sam grumbled, flipping the lid and pouring the lotion into his hands.

Dean swallowed hard at the sight. "And you assume it was Jo?" he grumbled in a desperate attempt to distract his mind from just where that lotion had been only a few hours ago.

Sam's eyes shot up, widening. "You're not going to tell me it was Ellen?"

Dean glared at him with disgust. "Dude."

Sam laughed. "Exactly. – which leaves Jo…"

"What about Cas." Had he really just said that? What the hell was he thinking?

Sam was staring at him.

He threw in a wink to throw his brother off, but it wasn't necessary as Sam was already in fits of laughter.

"Yeah… right… what you wanted to try it before you met your maker?" He was really creasing up now. Dean turned to see tears streaming down his face.

"Yeah you know me, try anything once." Dean laughed back.

He started the engine and set the car into drive.

"You're such a jerk." Sam said throwing the lotion back into the glove compartment as the car backed up so it could be turned.

"Why this time?" Dean was trying not to notice how his shoulders had eased when he told Sam the truth, even if his brother had thought his was kidding.

"I'm ne-ver going to look at C-cas the s-same w-way ag-ain." Sam stammered, gasping for air.

Dean smirked. "At least I've lightened the mood." He chuckled.

"Yeah, and fucked up my brain."

"Hey could have been worse."

"How?"

"You could have had a visual." Dean winked.

"Aww." Sam gagged. "Stop now, before I'm sick."

Dean felt a little less stressed now. He'd told his brother the truth, whether Sam believed it or not. He'd apologies to Cas. Thought he should really deny Sam's suspicions that it was Jo he'd spent the night with, but he couldn't bring himself to do that and he was sorry. But all in all, those gut-eating regrets were down to just one.

Being such a jerk to Cas in the first place. – But hopefully he'd be able to make up for that one tonight.

Dean's fingers tightened around the wheel as his body came to life with the promise of what awaited him at the end of this mission.


	12. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The mission wasn't going to plan. He'd been separated from the others and was now trapped in a ring of fire waiting to discover what Lucifer had in store for Dean and Sam. He'd already tried to sway him to his side. Unsurprisingly Lucifer, like Zachariah and the others, didn't understand the concept of loyalty, yet expected it.

And like the others Lucifer underestimated that loyalty. Yes he was angry with Dean. It was a human emotion that he just couldn't deign, but he wouldn't betray him, not now, not ever.

What had happened had been a mistake, one he'd allowed Dean to make for his own selfish reasons, because he'd given into human temptations and desire that were growing stronger the longer he was on earth.

The desire he'd felt last night was nothing to the un-names pain he'd felt this morning, he'd sensed Dean's shame and embarrassment instantly and had known that Dean wouldn't want him to remain, but it had been his tone that had hurt Castiel most. The lack of faith. That Dean would think he would tell anyone about what they'd done.

Castiel understood digression. He understood privacy. He understood that Dean would not want Sam to know and he would not betray him by telling the younger Winchester about something Dean was clearly ashamed of. His loyalty was to Dean, not Sam. He had not told him about what had happened in Hell, he would not tell him about what had happened last night.

Castiel stood surrounded by fire; alone and in silence. His mind couldn't help but wonder. He tried to stop it but as he stared into the holy flames, he could see Dean's face while he'd kissed him, while he'd touched him.

He felt his flesh prickle at the memory. The intense feelings were beyond anything he could have imagined and no matter how hard he tried to fight them they were a part of him.

The orange turned to gold and back again. Castiel stood with his arms hanging at his side. The only movement was the flexing of his fingers as they remembered the way Dean had lifted them to touch his flesh.

His mind would not allow him any peace in the silence. His thoughts turned from last night to the endless timeless moment he'd pulled Dean out of hell. From the touch of Dean's body to the first time he'd touched his soul, binding it to his grace.

Castiel had known that he'd left a little of his grace with Dean when he'd forced him into his human form again. He'd seen the hand mark he hadn't realised he'd branded into that form. Even he couldn't understand why it was there. He'd been in his angel form when he fought his way through the armies of hell to reach the tormented soul. He'd been in his angel form when he'd repaired his rotting corpse. He'd been in his angel form when he'd force Dean back into that corpse and breathed life back into it. But there it was a permanent remind of what he and Dean had shared.

And it was most defiantly Castiel's hand. When he'd touched it last night he'd felt the surge of graceful warmth that he recognized as his own radiation from it.

Castiel felt his grace burn against his human form, reacting in its own way to the human sensations and Castiel wondered if as he had left a bit of his grace with Dean, had Dean given him a piece of his soul. Was that why human emotions felt so natural within him? Was that the reason why he'd turned against Heaven so easily, without a thought?

Castiel wasn't sure why but that idea both scared him and gave him a confidence he hadn't felt in a while. He belonged to Dean as much as the hunter belonged to him.

He was still contemplating this when the demon Meg arrived to taunt him, curving her body seductively as she smiled at him, telling him that they were going to win.

Castiel had already thought of a plan to escape his trap, his mind had distracted him, but he was back on track now. He knew he had to get away if he was going to help Dean. So he concentrated on turning the bolts on the drainage pipe above him, all the while distracting the demon, telling her what Crowley had told them. Moment by moment he could see the doubts in the demons face, though she tried to cover them with seductive smiles and laughter but Castiel could see the shadows in her gaze. At long last the final bolt gave way; the pipe fell and catapulted the demon into his arms.

Castiel placed his hand to her head intending to send her back to hell, only to discover he'd finally lost that ability. The longer he was cut off from Heaven, the more he lost.

Meg smiled up at him, taunting Castiel while pushing her female body against his, her hands brushing at his thigh. Castiel stared down at her and wondered if this was meant to give him some kind of excitement, he felt nothing. He wondered if kissing a female would feel anything like when he'd kissed Dean, but he had no desire to kiss this demon. - This female.

His only desire was to get away from here. To find Dean and Sam before Lucifer was able to hurt them.

"So what can you do you impotent sap?" she scorned with a smirk.

Castiel looked at her deeply. "I can do this."

Meg's body fell across the holy flames. Castiel could smell the odor of burning flesh as he used the body as a bridge. Then he was gone.

Castiel found them crouched in the greenery. Dean was injured and Sam was watching in horror as Lucifer unleashed Death. Castiel gestured for them to be quiet as he reached out his hands to grip their arms and teleport them back to the Impala.

They didn't hang around, Sam jumped into the driver's seat while Castiel help Dean into the passenger's seat before appearing in the back seat.

The car sped pass the abandoned station-wagon that would never be driven again. In the rearview mirror they could see the smoldering remains of the hardware store where Ellen and Jo had given their lives to save the world.

Dean slouched down in his seat, tears burning in his eyes. It had been for nothing. The colt hadn't worked. Lucifer had succeeded in releasing another Horseman and he'd lost two more members of his family.

"I'm going to kill that bastard Crowley." Sam said with a harsh tone that sent a shiver through Dean's spine. He hadn't heard that tone since Lilith and look how that had turned out but in this instance he was with his brother all the way.


	13. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

The house was silent except for the TV reporting the carnage happening the world over now that another Horseman was free in the world. The remnants of the night before scattered around, soulless reminders of what had been lost.

Dean, Sam and Bobby stood by the open fireplace to mourn the passing of two dear friends. Say nothing but feeling everything. Bobby dropped the photo they'd taken last night into the flames. Dean watched it curl and turned black, his gaze on Jo beautiful face. He had kissed her before her death, because he wanted her to have just a taste of what she had promised that morning. That kiss had been filled with regrets on both sides.

He felt the tears behind his eyes; he should never have brought Ellen and Jo into this. She was sweet, innocent, loving. He loved her.

She would have continued working at the road house if he hadn't have met her. Hell the road house would still be there if it wasn't for Dean and his cursed family. The Winchesters brought nothing but pain and misery wherever they went. No-one ever made it out in one piece. He glanced down a Bobby before turning away.

Dean marched out of the house, feeling Sam and Bobby's eyes on his back. He knew they wouldn't follow him. Sam understood that when he was like this it was best to stay out of his way.

He walked through the maze of cars, not really going anywhere. He just needed the air. He just needed time to mourn.

"Dean."

He groaned at the sound of the angels' voice behind him and hung his head. "Not now Cas…. Please."

Dean didn't need to look around to know that Cas hadn't left. He was standing there silently watching him, waiting for him. Subtly telling him that he'd be there when Dean was ready and it cause Dean stomach to clench painfully. He didn't want Cas on his conscience. He was already blaming himself for the angel rebelling; he was already blaming himself for Ellen and Jo.

"Cas…. Just go will you."

"No Dean."

Dean closed his eyes and sighed. "Fine what do you want?"

"Nothing."

Dean finally turned to face Cas. "You want to talk about last night?" his tone was growing angry.

"No."

"You want a repeat performance?" Angrier still.

"No."

"Then what! What do you want?"

Castiel remained silent for a long time. Just watching the tears form in Dean's eyes. His heart constricted painfully. Finally he spoke. "What do you want Dean?"

"What?" he snapped.

Castiel didn't repeat the question, he didn't need to, Dean understood what he meant and he would answer when he was ready.

"What do I want?... I want this whole thing over!..." he was shouting now. "I want Ellen and Jo back!….. I want Crowley's fucking head on a spike!... I want to go back to hunting your everyday sons of bitches rather than dealing with all this shit!... I want to be able to sleep at night without seeing my hands ripping souls apart!..." his throat was closing up and the tears were burning like acid in his eyes. "I want….. I want… I don't want any regrets Cas…" his voice had dropped to almost a whisper. "..I want my soul back…. I want my brother back…. I want my world back…"

Dean never cried, not really. Tears simply slipped from his eyes. His throat tightened with intense emotion but he never cried….Until tonight.

Tonight he slid to the floor next to a battered old Ford, dropped his head onto his knees and cried. Not even stopping when he felt another body next to him.

Cas didn't touch him. didn't speak to him. He just sat there as he'd done before. Silently supporting and comforting Dean and his soul. A soul as battered, broken and disused as the cars that surrounded them.

Time slipped by and finally Dean had cried himself out. He was tired and he absently dropped his head to Cass shoulder. Not caring if Sam or Bobby found them.

"I'm sorry about Ellen and Jo. I know how you felt about them."

"they were family. Like you."

Cas felt his heart stir. He understood family. His was the largest in existence but they had never truly felt like a family, probably because Cas had had nothing to compare it too and angels weren't meant to feel anyway. But the months he'd spent with Dean, Sam and Bobby had shown him what he'd missed. What a family truly was. They stood by each other even when one had committed unspeakable damage. They fought to keep each other save and well. They laughed together and cried together. They loved each other beyond measure or reason and mourned when one of their number was lost.

None of these things could describe his divine family. It made him feel wanted and appreciated to know that Dean thought of him in such a way.

"Thank you."

"Jo was like a sister to me." Dean whispered and Cas understood what he was saying.

"And you can't fuck your sister, that's sick. – reminds me of those weird slash fan that think of me and Sammy together, I mean we're brothers, _gross_."

Dean was clearly feeling back to his old self if he was making jokes.

"What's a slash fan?" Cas frowned.

Dean looked up at him, meeting those big blue eyes. Feeling that comforting all engulfing warmth. The noise in his mind was silenced with Cass close proximity. Dean smiled crookedly as he contemplated how to explain.

"Well… let me put it this way, if Chuck ever published those new Winchester gospels with as much detail as the originals…" he was leaning in, his gaze dropping to the angels' full lips. "… There would be more than a few people out there slashing you and me…" he grinned mischievously.

Cas was watching him in that way he does, eyes narrowed, head tilted, slightly confused and Dean had to stop himself from just kissing him… at least for a few more minutes. He wanted Cas to understand this whole slash thing. Though he wasn't sure why.

"…. And if there were…." He breathed seductively against Cass lips. "Last night would have made a lot of them very happy indeed." Then he gave in to temptation and kissed the angel.

Cas pulled back. "But you just said that is gross?"

"To kiss my brother is gross…" Dean groaned. "You're not my brother."

"But you just said we were family?"

Cas was become irritating Dean thought with annoyance.

"Jez Cas, can we add this to the long list of things to talk about later."

"No."

"Fine…" Dean snapped from frustration. "You are family but not a brother or a sister or an uncle, aunt, father, mother or any other close relation…" He was saying in one long unbroken sentence. "…you more like a partner."

"Partner?"

_Was he fishing?_ _He had better not be fishing._ But when Dean looked into those sexy blue eyes he saw that the angel really didn't get what he was trying to say without saying it. He sighed as he knew he was going to have to put things plainly.

"Partners… like in spouse, couple…. Boyfriend."

Cas wasn't frowning any more. In fact his brows where practically touching his hairline. "I – see."

"Thank the fuck for that." he murmured before gripping the back of Cass neck and pulling him in for a mind blowing kiss that left them both starving for more.

Dean reluctantly pulled back. There was one more thing he needed to make clear before they took this wherever it was going to go. "Cas…"

"Yes Dean." He replied breathlessly which gave Dean that self-satisfied look again.

"I… I don't want Sam or Bobby to know about this…. Not yet."

Cas didn't say anything because he knew Dean wasn't finished just as he knew what he was going to say.

"I – I'm just not ready yet. This is new, very new for me, you know that, you know what I'm used to. I just need to get it right in my own head before I jump out of the closet."

"What closet."

"Forget it. Not important. I just want…."

"I will not say anything Dean. You have my word as you have my loyalty."

Dean stared at _his_ angel. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Dean smiled. "Now where were we?"

"We were kissing Dean."

He laughed as his took the angels lips again.

He may regret a lot of things about his life and the damage it had cause to those around him, but he would never regret Castiel. No matter what the future held, this angel was his and he would never give that up.

THE END

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><p><strong>AN Thank you very much for reading and review :) **

**Hopefully this is not the last Missing Moments. I have the ideas running around in my head, its just a matter of sitting down to write them. :) **


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